Pain

            Well~ It's time to update you again le. Dear blog, last Sunday I went Genting for trip. I'm so cool and chill but there's no one I can spoke to bout what am I feeling including the pain that I felt since the day you went away. When we reached there is almost noon where we need to register and check in. It is time to unpacked stuff and head for lunch. We played in indoor for awhile before we go dinner. It is a busy day.The next morning we continue to outdoor theme park till eleven morning then we took breakfast. Next we went to strawberry park, harvest some strawberry, have a short walk and then is time to head home. Is nearby four evening when we reached home. It is so tiring and painful these days.

           Actually I shouldn't write in this blog anymore cause I know you will encounter to it. However, this is the only place where I can ease my pain. Even if is a little bit only I also will do it. Hope you already settle your stuff clearly for I won't be by your side anymore. Please take care and be happy for you had left me. I know you mean well wanted us to be separated but as long as you smile, no matter who you are with, that will make me feel better for you gained something at else after you did something poor to others.

             Time passes so soon and is going to mid term. I'm so fear that I cause so many pain to myself and people around. I'm sorry but please don't expect to smile or laugh when I'm in pain. I'm not a clown who doesn't have unhappy stuffs around me. Why all adults are the same, like to dumped and abandoned people when they needed them most. Is so painful and misery.

Fear.

                 I sensed something different lately. I sensed that you're unease and madness. Are you alright? Is it because of me? If yes,I'm sorry but the character that I showed to everyone is just the same that I've shown you when we were fifteen. The talkative and being easy to get mad ,that is the real me, the me that you known.

            This morning I saw her, your dream girl, the second girl that makes you fall in love with her after your first love. I can see that she's ok with everything happening around her including you worked next to her. I also knew that you want go near to her that's why you'll want to stand beside her, by her side. If you really love then tell her about how you feel since you're single already. So what if she already has a boy friend, it doesn't mean that you can't love her for she told you that she regretted for not accepting you. Tell her that you just provide her another option maybe a better choice for her. Please,seek back your true love, the pure love feeling that you once had. And once you have, don't lose it again.

                Today, in college, my ass seek trouble with me again but she failed. As always, I sure humiliate her for troubling me. When I sat with new student, she said I couple with him. Then when I sat in between Brandon and Alex, she said I couple with Brandon. What a funny joke it is? But the funniest of all is when she forced new student to change place, he disagree. Then when I shifted place, I can't believe that she didn't notice at all and when she noticed, she was shocked but I'm happy seeing her showing different expression because of my attitude, it pleases me.

                    What I fear most isn't death, but the one whom I love most left me,abandoned me,left me alone again. I'm so afraid of losing you then when it comes to the time that I've lose you, now what should I fear anymore? Even being death means no nothing, no pain anymore.

Wonder

               I wonder what are you thinking now? What are you doing now? Did you really hate that much till didn't want to enter college?

         I being me again,back to the old me where teasing people unlimited. I'm being nonsense again but life still need to go on. Maybe my silly wish of time frozen still there but reality usually don't let me daydream or having unnecessary silly wish. Actually I know you still have feelings for her but I didn't admit it only. I've been knowing it all along,just didn't admit it. Maybe I should have thank her because of her presence, you'll love me,adore me and promising me eternity. Anyway,I'm grateful to both of you for coming to my life,giving me experience in my life showing and leading me. Although I don't know what are you thinking or will you still having feelings for me or not but I hope you'll live a better life. Please don't turn yourself upside down.

        If you ever want to say sorry to me,please live your life happily and please don't make other girl cry any more. I know your past but I don't hope that there will be other girl that you'll hurt again. Please make me the last one, hope you'll be happy. :)

Love

               Huh~ Is almost been a month since my last post. I've been working hard on my healing phase and I think it started to work out. I'm feeling so much better than the few weeks of heart broken although I never regretted for what had happened but I guess at least I'm curious of what's lack in me that someone wouldn't love me?

               Love is what is most precious thing to us,human being. Without it,this world will be even cruel than it is now. I starting to understand what love actually is, thanks brother. Other than the love I've always hoped for, there's still other love hidden that I didn't notice at all.

              Besides the intimate love that I've been hoping for, you've shown me something that much more valuable than it, that is our weird but happy relationship. We are not couple but our intimacy are very much alike to couple. Is good that you help me grow in my healing phase. Now I can tell you that I'm off it already so no worries, be happy.

             Recently, I only realise on how stubborn am I on certain question that I did get myself into crying and sad mood. Actually I should be happy bout it since is not all my fault so I don't need to bear all the responsibilities on my own.

             Then I only realise that there's one love that wouldn't change even if I'm bury in the graveyard, that is love of family. That's why I've been, why should drop tears for those already not concern about me any more  I should have be more happy for I've found those who sees my good and willing to share my pain when I'm hurt.

            So this is the end of this page for today. See you soon,blogger. Love chocolates :)

Waiting...

         Patience.....patience........and PATIENCES....... please let me and him be patient before our meeting day arrive. You said you'll be giving me a surprise. I hope this surprise will make smile like old times in front of you once again. And I hope this surprise you mentioned din't lost. Anyway, I too have a surprise for you on that day but I guess my surprise won't make you happy but still I want to give you the surprise.

         Still have 21 days to go before arriving to that day but my heart already pounded rapidly every second of waiting to that day. I can't wait to see you again. Please be patience and don't fade your love for me till my  surprise comes in front of you. Please ....... I won't let you down again, I promise.

        Sorry that things got changed. However, I'll always respect your decision no matter how I disagree them. I truly hope to see your smile again although from a long distance. Sorry for breaking promise that I won't cry . It isn't that I wanna cry in front of you and your friend but just breaking up is not what I expected and wanted. Remembered once you told me to have hope and have faith in myself, I doubt that when you told me so but when I truly wanted to so, you broke up all my hope and faith. I don't blame you for what had happened because I bear a larger responsibility that brought us to this situation.

         I still remembered that you and I can last this relationship so long is due to one thing, that is speaking the truth to each other but since when this policy changed? I wonder if you ever tell all the truth to me, will our ending changed? but now that is not important any more cause our ending is fixed.

        I owe you a thank you I suppose for adoring me past one and the half year. Thank you for all you have done, I'm gratitude already. You've done well in your part.Thanks~

Past & Present

              Past~ I was enjoying my lifestyle that I can sense the sweetness people around me. It feels good and gave me hope that this world would have better changes. I can feel wolf and my beloved parents. Holding his hands, hugging him, kissing him and lied on his body makes me feel better when I'm intended to give up. Feeling these actually need to pay a very a high price for it and I'm wondering how much does he sacrificed for me already? Although I may not the truth answer even till the last day of my life but I'm sure that it won't be smaller than the sacrifices than other people or maybe it is nearly equal to my parents, I presume. Wolf may be a good secret keeper but that mean he can hide it forever especially not in front of me. Wolf may have poor past in his life but I can assure you that you're better than mine in comparison and if  you ever felt I'm better than you then I shall be your future to make you feel that my past is better.

Once imagined it to be good;past had too many disappointments.This taste of loneliness,Heaven and I know. Events too joyful need to change multiple times;realized the meaning of cherishing.Too many disappointments;try once again.The reluctance to part,should not degrade.
I've already missed events that I care the most about,unlimited times. Please let me say my heartfelt words, seriously to you. 


             Present~ Being alone again in my lifestyle. Although I din't regret of giving each other a cold war period but I'm still missing the good old days. Anyway, cold war must be done someday by someone too cause I know that I really pushes too hard till he is in trouble yet I din't let him relieve but increases his trouble for my own incapability. And yet his family especially closest to him sense that if he still don't break up with me,he'll be in great trouble that's why they kept asking breaking in this relationship so, if one of us need to make a decision let it be me for I know he wouldn't hurt me no matter what will be happening. Hope this won't change your love for me although I can't sense you any more,heart broken. Its been three days that we have lost connection even I've try hard enough to stay connect in but seems I've been failing to do so. I've text but I just had a simple reply that makes me feel cooler when I'm with wolf, I can't barely sense the heat that wolf should have given to everyone around him. 

Weak

                      This lately getting weaker and weaker. Aunt cooked his dinner and ask me to invite wolf for it but I even call my wolf,I also don't have the courage...wai wai was so disappointed worst is bringing dog hiking already very tiring yet now I'm ill, what am I suppose to do? Still don't have the courage to tell him or actually I don't know whether I should tell him or not? Or I can't sense him any more already? Did he lost the last 50 percent of his love to me already? That's why I can't feel or sense him around me any more?


      God,if you really exist, please let show me a way to 'litch' where I can see hope again.....


      Ever since cold war with wolf, I'm so hurt till my heart is weakened. Yet I don't know when only it heals or it will never heals? Hurts physically, mentally and my heart...Wolf told me to take care this morning but I'm wondering how am I suppose to take care of myself when I'm already flu,cough,sore throat and fever...and what will wolf do if he knew this? Probably nothing in this cold war period ba....

Problems or troubles?

                Is it that really that much problems and troubles between us? Since when we lack of trust or faith in each other? I don't know yours but mine is started when we're in Mid Valley. I remembered that you lie when we're looking to wedding promotion,the ring on your finger... Like I told you, it isn't that I not noticed that it wasn't my name craved on that ring or I can't sense that your heart contained else but not me, it is just I just don't wanna spill it out till you rather want to tell or till you ready to tell me.... If you'll have tell me sooner maybe that I can know that you have faith in me but you just can't put up your mind,huh? Just like now? Struggling between your family and I?


              If what I expressed cause you misery I would rather keep it inside me so that it will not affect our relationship which is already poor enough. I think you too did the same thing right? to prevent from hurting me. However, when you kept something from me, I will know that you're hiding something cause your emotions betrayed you or they just din't wanna hide when you're with me. The only thing I kept from you is a secret and you'll soon find out when we're married... But I can guarantee you that when you know my little secret, you'll surely laugh till no need to sleep the whole night for I'm being silly all the time for the things I shouldn't.

Upside down

         Its been awhile since I update my post or reading other's post. Its been complicated this lately that every part of my life seems like going upside down.Is it my problem that cause everything to change around me?Probably,yes.I'm imperfect till everyone around me suffers that they rather dump me throw away this miserable feelings.Sorry for causing so much trouble in your life.My heart still aches even if we didn't broke up because I know that it will changes our feelings towards our relationship and it will not go back like how we just started.I'm selfish am I not? to hold what it doesn't belong to me,to grab what I shouldn't.... Will you still hate me? or you would rather let me go just to think that my future is better off without you? 


          What's happening to me? Is it my fault for making my relationship so poor? Am I that creepy? Should we meet more so we could understand each other better or let it be?I need guidance from you,wolf

Apologize

                Hubby, I;m so sorry for my selfishness of my part time job.... I know that it will be unfair you but please bear with it.By doing my part time, we must keep all about us in a hidden part where no public should be seen. I know it will be hard for you please forgive me...

Happiness

     Happy nowadays due to many occasion.Firstly, my hubby is getting sweeter and meaner...He is sweet when I'm adoring while meaner is because he is starting to be protective by not letting knowing what is he thinking now.
     Second, I got my own car already although it is a second hand small car but at least it is better than nothing.I've been driving for the second week :) During the first week, I'm so nervous but excited to get to drive my own car :D the second day of the first week being mumble by my hubby due to my poor driving skill :( Aw~
On the third day of the first week of my driving, when he followed my car from behind, he said my driving skill improved ..... This week is the second week le, other than my weak parking skill, my hubby didn't criticize me anymore le ...Say cheese :D
    Another thing that I'm happy about is I finally get a part time job. Whatever my job is still a secret.For those who know,please keep your mouth SHUT !!! Thank you for your cooperation ...

                                                          THE END